Pleasure Diaries #11
Weeping Willow Comes to Town
Today is the day in the Dance of the Feminine Luna, where the Little Gremlin is replaced by Weeping Willow. Weeping Willow is such a sweet creature. She is so fragile and vulnerable that sometimes she doesn't even know how to walk down the street without someone holding her hand.
Everything feels HUGE to Weeping Willow. Everything overflows - both the pain and the pleasure. And both bring her to her knees with emotion, constantly. Everything is FELT so acutely. Tears flow unexpectedly, then stop just as quickly. There is no Plug.
Sometimes I feel so challenged by Weeping Willow! Sometimes I just wish she would pull her fucking shit together. I watch My Old Paradigm Judgements about 'weak women' raising their ugly head to try and annihilate her. I have to have stern words with Them... Every Month... telling about them my new found understanding about the Power of Vulnerability aka Brené Brown stylings... And they just roll their eyes at me... Every Month. But They are Me and I am Them... so it gets a bit confusing.
I find myself retreating from The World when Weeping Willow comes along. I don't have the capacity to Hold My Shit Together. And I don't want anyone to have to 'deal' with her. But at the same time, all I REALLY want, is for someone to cuddle both of us and tell us it is all going to be ok.
How do we learn to love all of these aspects of ourselves - all of the characters inside us? How do we find peace with our human-ness, our 'flaws'? Perhaps our 'flaws' are just unintegrated aspects of self... Perhaps they are just places where self-judgement still sits.
So again we come back to Self Love. How can I love myself through this? Through ALL of it? How can I love myself the way I would love you?
The deepest pleasure from today was the profound cracking open of my heart, when the young Balinese boy who gave me a ride home felt my tenderness. He saw the tears welling Willow Style in my eyes as I asked for a ride home but asked nothing, tenderly giving the welling space. And then gently, when he dropped me off, he said 'is everything ok?'. The depth of genuine human love was so palpable. His soft heart was truly loving mine in all its tenderness. It was so beautiful. The power of the human heart never ceases to amaze me. The power of love, the same.
So from this place, where Willow is Weeping softly with Love, I love you all.